Tangled Between and Among Many Things
An old woman definitely yelled at me today. She was very defensive. She was mad because of something. I think it was because I asked her a question that could imply irresponsibility on her end.
Today, I was supposed to undergo a recruitment process for a public service opportunity. Things didn’t go as planned, though. In the Philippines, it is now a seemingly accepted fact that government agencies are strongly held by ideas of corruption, “kakilala/kamag-anak/backer” system and it’s-okay-to-by-pass-rules culture. Although I am a pure Filipino, I never really accepted that fact. It was never acceptable for me. It will always be. This is the reason why I always want to understand many things when things go in an unclear path. I always ask questions. I reach out so I can obtain understanding of these things. I get curious. I want to sleep peacefully at night. I want to know. I don’t want to become a non-playing character (NPC) in this game.
Because of these principles, I started asking questions to the people I thought would be able to give me answers. No one can give me an answer that is truthful and based on official and legal directive. Everything was: “Okay na, don’t worry about it. You’re good to go.”; “I talked to who-this-who-that, so pwede ka na.”; or “Do not ask anyone else na your questions. Ang importante makakalusot ka.” It was equally annoying and frustrating. I had to find meaning in between the sentences I heard from them. I felt like they were trying to play me, and doing it while being obviously aware that I know what they’re trying to do. It was so ‘nakakabobo”. It was unpleasantly bewildering.
After that conversation, I walked away and left that toxic environment in which I never wanted or dreamed to become part of. I thought: “Sayang pero hindi ko masikmura.”
Tonight, I am writing this story after having a long serious talk with my confidante. I asked him for his opinion about the many things I am worrying about lately. I told him that I am, again, in the same situation as I was in so many times of this year, the past year and two years ago. I have been placed in this exactly parallel situation: assessing things, weighing importance, and picking where to go.
I feel tangled. I feel vined with so many things. I need to choose where to go. I need to decide. And it’s always in an urgent manner. I always needed to select one among the many, given 24 hours to think about it. Let me illustrate it by using an example.
Earlier this year, I was put in the same situation by God. I just ended my part-time contract with a state university as an assistant professor III. I was waiting for the permanent item to be documented and published so that I can join the university as a permanent member of the faculty. A month prior to the release of the contract, I was working in a social welfare facility. All at the same time, I was also working on different writing projects as part of my freelance work. I had to give up two to be comfortable. I had a hard time deciding. I cannot even begin to thoroughly describe and represent the intensity of the dilemma I had to resolve.
It’s very difficult to live life without the capacity to freely choose what you want. However, it is also similarly difficult to be in a life of so many options because one can only take or handle so much. I have been here multiple times. Despite that, I still crack my head open every time.
The point of all these is to share to you my point of view. I wanted to let the world know that we all are in different situations or chapters in our lives. We all are juggling so many things with only our two hands. We all are faced with life events and situations where we need to assess, pick, select and be responsible for whatever you decide to do or get.
Right now, I am happily employed in a humble company. I’m enjoying my work. I enjoy its perks. I hope, sooner or later, I could have more peaceful days. In the future, I hope I can finally settle in a place where I really belong and where I can be happy. God is the only one with the answers. So, I’m putting my fate in His hands.
Please know that I am praying for you. I know we all are struggling, one way or another.
Good night.
